Hi everyone, and happy day after April Fools Day, when we can all let out a sigh of relief and let our guards down a bit. It has been awhile but welcome back to the 5th edition of chiprankings. I apologize for the delay in posting - I hope everyone has had a wonderful few months full of delicious chip eating despite the lack of guidance. If there’s anything new you’ve tried and would recommend, make sure to comment below. Happy Spring.
I received a key question on the last post covering cheese-based brands that I should clarify here: Why were Doritos and Cheetos not on the list? Well, the answer is simple: Doritos and Cheetos are not cheese-based crackers; they are corn-based (yes, Cheetos are in fact corn-based) with a cheese dusting on top. The difference is critical! However, sincere thank you to my inquisitive subscribers for the thoughtful feedback and engagement.
The corn-based snack universe is vast and impossible to traverse, let alone sufficiently cover in a single week. So, this week we will focus on a well-known and much-loved brand, Doritos. To set the tone, have a look at this masterpiece of advertising from Doritos and one of my favorite Superbowl spots of all time:
Surreal? Suspenseful? Tear-jerker? It has it all.
A quick history of Doritos - the original product was made at a restaurant in Disneyland in the early 1960s (Disneyland in the 60s…. truly the Most Magical Place on Earth). One day, a salesman noticed that this restaurant (Casa de Fritos) was throwing stale tortillas in the trash. He suggested they cut them up and fry them… as any reasonable person should consider doing with a leftover carb…. just like that, Doritos were born and thank goodness for that.
There is something we need to get straight. Doritos originally rose to fame because they were “more flavorful and crunchier” than any competing brand. That is unfortunately no longer the case! What’s crunchier? Kettle chips, without a doubt. What’s more flavorful? Flavor blasted goldfish, obviously, though Doritos haven’t gone down without a fight. What’s crunchier AND more flavorful? All of the top chips I’ve mentioned in my past posts! But still, Doritos have certain ‘je ne sais quoi’; their corny robustness, absence of greasiness and uniquely satisfying crunch will always keep them a force to be reckoned with.
If you have a sudden craving for Doritos, consider the following for the rankings:
Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell. If you are looking to consume Doritos, I would argue that this is a superior way to do so. Launched in 2012 after two years of R&D (let me repeat, this win for the American eater took two years of R&D), Doritos Locos Tacos were a stunning success. In fact, Taco Bell had to hire 15,000 additional employees and set up four new production lines at the Doritos taco shell factory to keep up with demand. If any edible consumer good can match those stats, I’d love to know about it. Anyway, you need to go try this if you haven’t already.
Cool Ranch. This one’s a classic. Possibly the definitive ranch snack and definitely the most well known. It has almost as much flavor as flavor blasted goldfish. It has a really nice spice (not spicy!) followed by a refreshing blast of ranch. Delightful.
Nacho Cheese. Another classic, the foundation of the Doritos Locos Tacos (I think… I mean, what were they researching for two years?) but not as exciting or subtly addictive as Cool Ranch. I probably wouldn’t finish a whole bag of these in one sitting but they are the cornerstone of the Doritos empire for a reason, they’re Michelle Kwan, if you will; she never won the Olympics but I dare you to name a more legendary skater in American history.
Spicy Sweet Chili. I’ll be honest - I didn’t approach these with high hopes; they are asking you to believe a lot. But they delivered; the name actually does fit the taste. They are slightly spicy yet slightly sweet. And there is a hint of Chili. It’s like if I took a tortilla chip and dipped it in sweet and sour sauce and sprinkled one red chili flake on top. If that floats your boat then these might be for you.
Flamin’ Hot. Good but if you’re looking for a Flamin’ Hot item, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are unmatched. Go for those, don’t settle for a pretender.
Spicy Nacho Cheese. There is literally no difference between this and regular Nacho Cheese. If you want a spicy Dorito, go with Flamin’ Hot. Or, save time and go right to Flamin’ Hot Cheetos (see above).
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Second Worst: 3D Crunch Chili Cheese Nacho. No. These are like bad Bugles. No flavor and weird texture. They really wasted the extra dimension on this one, but some points for the alliterative and visionary name.
Worst: 3D Crunch Spicy Ranch. Again, No. And the name sucks.
Flavors to try:
Flamin’ Hot Limon. I imagine this one is good and would potentially rank above Flamin’ Hot.
Salsa Verde. This one sounds like the Garden Salsa Sun Chips which are mediocre but not horrible.
Poppin’ Japaleno. Fascinating!
Blazin’ Buffalo Ranch. A worse Cool Ranch? I’m not itching to find out.
Thanks for tuning in! Always open to debates on the above. Remember to subscribe and leave a comment below!